My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
broke down and did it
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.