My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
PLOT TWIST:
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.