Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
That’s it.I’m out.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down