My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
You Might Also Like
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.