[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
#polloftheday
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
i think we should see other cousins
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size