hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE