Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
He took my last fry, your honor
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*