Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure