“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.