Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
mariah carrie
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.