My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.