“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.