Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
This is my emotional support knife.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.