Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Ha
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today