wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I hate everything
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not