Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.