The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.