Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You Might Also Like
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I don’t know what to do
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
This classic never gets old . . .
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”