Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
i dont have time for this
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
and this one