*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email