Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab