GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat