Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.