ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
cyclists
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story