Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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Good boy 😂😂
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*