The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.