[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.