[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*