Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?