[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”