Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
You Might Also Like
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[eats all your cotton candy]
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me