Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”