A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
You Might Also Like
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter