beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio