my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
How actors in movies eat their food
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?