asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces