I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Who does Amazon think I am?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.