Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Gods work.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.