Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
You Might Also Like
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The two types of wives
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.