[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.