If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
You Might Also Like
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Heroic Misunderstanding
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Anyone really
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”