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still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”