Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again