I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.