I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.