Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Tony Hawk, age 6
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This is the one
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.