My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I wish this was real life…
It was worth a shot 😂
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo