Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
You Might Also Like
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My dream job is getting paid to dream