People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”