[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
😂😂😂
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Lol
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.